"I can fix them" Says man who is worse

I believe my bloodline is cursed. When I look down the list of my family tree I see beggars, bums, junkies, drunks, liars, gluttons, hermits, downers, cowards, and kooks. If we are so lucky to avoid all of our vices we become the most mediocre of mediocrity. There is nothing any of us has done beyond living a life of ease. None of us are capable of doing anything noteworthy outside of having children. My immediate family has seen nothing but disappointment after disappointment, misfortune after misfortune, vice after vice, mistake after mistake. I may come off resentful of my family but that isn't really the case. There are very few I look down on, because despite our shortcomings and flaws, very few of us are truly "bad". There is a surprising amount of good in my bloodline.

My issue however is that I am attracted to negativity. It's strange, and I don't want to come off in a way where I am romanticizing negativity, I feel that I see it for what it is. Negativity, to me is just more "fun". I don't understand it fully, but the purpose of this log is to hopefully grasp a better understanding of why I am so attracted to negativity and it's relationship to my values, which are quite the opposite.

To start, I have a bit of a saviour complex. When I see a person struggling, there is an immediate impulse for me to help them, but there is something else at play which draws me to that person, and that is attraction. Physical, intellectual, platonic, romantic, sexual. All the like. I want to help that person as much as I want to learn about that person and possibly even be involved with them in some kind of intimate way. On the opposite end, healthy, normal people bore me. I don't find them interesting. In part this is because they are for the most part self-sufficient. They can handle their own issues and have healthy relationships which will assist them in their problems. In other words, I don't feel needed. It is very important in any relationship I am in to feel needed. I am basically Misaki. "Normies" also don't feel as if they are entirely aware of their existence. They will live for their hobbies and careers, and many of them will be involved in many intimate relationships, but for the most part the worst thing that has ever happened to these people is a parent passing away. Which I do not want to undermine because I know that is not an easy thing to go through, but it is also an inevitability of life that you eventually move on from. It doesn't completely alter your psyche the way trauma does. Trauma in many ways make you dependent. I like to fill in that role. Caring makes me feel better about myself. It makes me feel important, because in a weird way, I am.

I however am not a negative person. I actually have quite a positive outlook on life. I believe that the world responds to your actions and behaviours, and with this knowledge and more importantly the will, you can grow and be better in any way necessary that is true to your upbringing and genetics. I believe anybody can be stronger, even the most abused and retarded rapemeat. I believe this because I have seen it multiple times, from family members to friends. However this all depends on the individuals environment. Who they surround themselves with. The media they consume. Their immediate resources. And most importantly, how much they actually care about getting better. Though, what happens when a traumatized individual I associate with finds themselves a better life? Well, I don't know. I've never seen it. Many don't stick around long enough for me to know. How do I think I will react? It is possible I may become bored of them, but I don't think so. Their brain is the same, just with a fresh coat of paint and some new brake pads, and besides I will already have become accustomed to them by that point. They are still the same person, at least in theory. I don't know, I may not have lived long enough. I don't think I will be needed. I think they will get bored of me before I do, if I do at all. This has after all already happened in some ways. When a friend finds a new group and slowly your relationship dies out. Most of the time they already have a group of friends or their own community where I have no place in. I only like lonely people. I can only get along with lonely people. This is a problem that I don't know how to fix. I believe this makes me a worse person, but I don't think I am bad. I do care, but some of that care is self-serving. Feeling important matters more than them. It shouldn't be like this, but it is.