I'm not the only of this kind, infact these "lurkers" exist all over the internet. Think about how many initiated users with recently created and low activity accounts you come across on any social media platform. When I was still using twitter I came across these accounts everywhere. Do yourself a favor and dig through the public non-verbal interactions (likes, follows, reposts) on a site like twitter and take a count of how many of those you find on a hobby-centered page. Dozens of young accounts with little public interactions, yet with activity that appears well-versed as if they had been on the platform for years.

This is easy to do on a social media platform. Too easy to do. For the longest time I thought that maybe this was because I had some kind of personality disorder, because I didn't know who I was and had to compensate by creating new identities. Maybe some of that is true. But recently I thought about it more and noticed a pattern that I hadn't noticed until I made this blog. But for me to explain that I need to talk about the main social media platforms.

First off, video platforms, which are not only the platforms I use the most, but they are also the ones I have created the least accounts on. I've used the same accounts since I first signed up in elementary school. Now the reason for this is very simple, I don't "use" video platforms, like Instagram or YouTube. Now I don't mean "use" as in scroll through the feed and interact with posts, but rather post anything. I've posted videos in the past and I won't talk too much detail on that, but my issue with videos is that they make you too noticable. Unlike a twitter feed where you just sort of fly by, in a video, of any kind, you become the centre of attention for far too long which is not a style of interaction I enjoy having, especially on any scale outside of my circle. Because of this, I don't ever care about tweaking the way I look, not unless I attract a large enough group of people to where I do not know what to expect of any person I interact with using that account. The traffic that flows by your posts is overwhelming to the point it feels as if you are drowning. It's hard to post anything of sentiment in an environment like that. There is no creating for the sake of creating on a video platform. There is only creating for the sake of attention. Any artist or creator who tells you otherwise thinks you're an idiot and is lying to your face.

Messaging services like Discord on the contrary, are very personal, however ironically enough that is what makes it so bad. Discord is a service that allows you to have very personal conversations with people. There is no auto-moderation on Discord like there is on twitter or video platforms like YouTube. You can say and post anything as long as it does not get reported, or worse, screenshotted. The worst people I have ever met was on Discord. The most vile, vitriolic, hateful, and outright demented things I have ever read has been on Discord. The worst, most evil people I have ever met was on Discord. There is nothing stopping someone from having those discussions on apps like Telegram, or Matrix. Yet, nobody uses those services unless they want to share CP. As long as you want to talk to somebody on the regular, with screensharing and voice chat, you gotta use Discord. A service that logs everything you post. Now, me changing accounts might not do much in the grand scheme of things, but it allows me to start fresh and out of sight from unwanted parties.

All platforms are guilty of the criminal ways in how how they collect your data, and to make matters worse, for the privelege of using their service you are forced to sacrifice your own agency. You get little options in customizing your page, you get silenced for having the wrong opinion, and zero control over your own feed as they force you to keep your attention on their curated feed. None of these platforms have any respect for the user. That may not be enough for me to create a new identity entirely whenever possible, but it does incentivize me more and more to create my own platform for my own blogging purposes, and make the jump back to linux where I have full agency over my own computer. I'm not really video editing as a job anymore, so I have no more reasons to stay on windows. Besides, I've been wanting to try out KdenLive for some time now. I've heard it's decent. I'll think of something to make.

I believe that is what fellow digital nomads crave. Independence. Freedom from the heavy traffic of major services and the ability to curate their own platform for their own interests and hobbies. Though, while the convenience of having an existing platform came with the sacrifice of agency, the same happens with digital freedom, and that is convenience. While yes, you have the options of downloading dozens of web templates and linux distributions with builtin installers, but that route also requires you let go of agency for the sake of convenience. It's not something you can escape by simply using pre-made tools. It's a step in the right direction. A suitable option for an inexperienced user or a normal guy looking for something ThatJustWorks™, but a digital nomad likely does not want a generic environment. They likely feel compelled to sacrifice their convenience if it means they are given control.

Some may consider the lack of traffic a sacrifice, but I certainly do not think of it as such. Rather, that's exactly what I was looking for. A public, unfiltered, personal journal for any of my peers and any passerbys to read. A passerby to umagi.xyz would not be someone who stumbled upon here by means of some kind of social media algorithm. It would have instead been through a peer, a shared link, or by mere luck as it used to be. I consider that a blessing.

But as said in the first paragraph, it is lonely. Though, not any less than it was before.

I think of it as living in the city. There are too many people for one person to be visible, not unless an individual wants to be. As if you are looking for the queen in a pile of bees. A personal website is like moving to the country. Far less people in your general area, and far less traffic coming by your way. But a more local and "connected" community where everything is slow, personal and predictable.

Life is better when it's slow. You don't feel as mentally ill when everything doesn't feel so overwhelming. And the freedom it grants is far too valuable to discard. Freedom over convenience.

I have no clue how much of my eccentricities and flaws are due to my genes not knowing where they are, but my parents having the kind of upbringing they had living in a country where you have immediate access to anything that rots your insides, it's quite clear that I was destined to be a fatass. My drive for food is really high. I need to eat a large volume of food to feel satiated and feel like a zombie if I had less than 1500 calories before 6pm. I will often open the fridge on impulse not for the sake of my stomach, but for the sake of my head. I eat faster than anyone I know. Most people in my family are fast eaters but me and my brother are like hippos. We're quite evenly matched me and him, but hes much bigger than I am, in weight and height.

All things considered, I'm not really "fat". Well, I'm certainly chubby. I got size. Volume. Cushion. Fur. Armor. Dad bod type shit. I'm kinda fat idk. I've always had size to me and so has everyone in my family. Yet of all my siblings I'm the smallest and it's been this way forever, not counting my ~2 year long looksmaxxing phase where I was skinny and smooth. Smoking as much weed as I did certainly didn't make it any better.

My genes love food. I consider myself a garbage disposal. I'm the type of guy that will eat anything if it's protein-dense or salty and crunchy. I'm like a starving pitbull the way I will salivate over a Costco chicken bake while I'm two white girl granola bowls down. I'm Canadian Peter Griffin with how much of a fatass I am. It's genuinely a miracle how I don't have a bmi of 30 (though I ain't that far from it).

Right now I'm probably the fattest I've been since the beginning of last year and the biggest reason why is becauase I haven't been cooking my own meals. When I cook for myself I am very conscious of what goes in my meal. I don't count my calories at all, I can't really be fucked to, but I'm never dousing my shit in vegetable oil or drinking bottles of ranch alongside my meals. My portions are controlled, I proritize lean meats, and I substitute oil for cancer causing non-stick spray which is 0 calories.

My (forgive me) bitch mother has been doing the cooking around here lately and she's the sort of Asian that doesn't know how calorically dense fats are. Oily, fatty meats ontop of simple carbs. Yum. It is. It's delicious. But holy fuck, Filipino food is terrible for you. Very little nutritional value in most popular dishes, which honestly can be said about most cultures, but at least white people aren't dumping half a cup of vegetable oil alongside their..... what do white people eat..??? Gruel? Ants on a log? My white classmates and coworkers were always eating some shit like that. Butter noodles and a cucumber on the side. At least theres a vegetable in there.

I love my mother, but good God her cooking is going to fucking kill me. She has been home much more often recently so she's been cooking more, but even when I do tell her the shit she's cooking will cut 30 years off my life she gives me shit for not eating her healthy dishes. But her healthy dishes consist of shit like ampalaya. Do me a favour and search up Filipino ampalaya and tell me that looks appetizing to you. It's disgusting and it tastes far worse than it looks. I don't know how the fuck she eats it, but that's like the only healthy thing she cooks.

Alright, heres my strategy. She is never gonna leave the kitchen and there's honestly nothing I can do about it. If I cook she complains that theres already food. There's no winning with her. So I'm just gonna let her do her thing. But here is where my plan to at the very least stop my weight gain while I sit at home until I start my classes. Her cooking will serve as ingredients in other dishes

We always have a ton of bread. Different kinds too. The triangle bread from Costco. Nobody eats that shit except me. Pita bread. Hella. Nobody eats it but me. Wonder bread. Again, I'm the only one. What's the point of buying all this stuff is nobody is gonna eat it? Anyways, doesn't matter. Big ass oily pork adobo? Put it in the triangle bread with some greens. Deep fried fish? Pita bread with boiled potatoes and sour cream (Pretty Yummy!). Oily ass noodles? Half a normal portion and like 2 boiled eggs on the side. This may not sound like much, but this normally cuts at least 200 calories off what would otherwise be a 800 calorie meal. 3 of those in a day, that's 1800 calories. I get up to 400 more calories for nuts and mandarins and dates. Yum!

I'm going back to the gym. No reason why I shouldn't be going. I stopped going a few months back cause I was broke, but I've been stableish for more than a month. I can afford going back to the gym. Let's recoupe my gains and build some Chris Redfield arms to Breaking Benjamin and Linkin Park like I should be doing.

The working out portion is of least importance though. You may call me a fatass for this, but let's see what happens when you eat 3000 calories worth of junk while benching 315lbs while maintining a good physique. Nah, I'll just do ok in jim and put all focus on diet. If you're one of those people who is hyperfocused on the hour long workouts instead of the 14-18 hour dieting, you are wasting your time. Unless you just like lifting heavy shit and don't care at all about your figure. If that's the case, then power to you brother fatass. You have my respect.

For as much of a fatass as I am, it's laughably easy losing weight. If you have the cognitive ability to do something as simple as replace an ingredient for a lower calorie one while walking an extra 30 minutes a day, you will notice gradual changes in your weight, and all you had to do was cut like 300 calories away per day, which is not noticable at all.

Alright, now allow me to contradict myself. I'm gonna keep myself kinda fat, at least for a while. For a few reasons. Number one, I like being a fatass. It's in my blood. I like eating and stuffing my face. Food is yummy. Fuck being lean. Let's dig in before someone else does.

Number two, strength. Ok I know I said I'm not gonna care too much about the gym, but I like being strong. I also like being visually strong, and that's hard to do when you're lean. Unless you take your shirt off, you just look like any other skinny dude and you just end up getting body dysmorphia. Yeah fuck that. Being visually strong grants you so many social privileges it's insane, and if you're above 6ft that's even better. You get a free ticket to be an asshole. The most confident I ever felt is when I was buff with a high body fat percentage. I need that back.

Number three, my GF says that if I become skinny I become boring, which I agree with 100%. Fit guys are boring as fuck and will make you eat cardboard on every date you go on. Nobody does ED like gymbros. I don't wanna be a faggot with an eating disorder. Food is awesome.

Other Stuff + Semen Log

Yesterday I installed Artix on my main pc. Fuck Windows. But now I can't edit. I think I'll just make a Windows partition to dual boot into whenever I need to edit something. Sounds easy enough.

Look at my Kawaii Linux Desktop!!!

Ok, nut log. Consistency is much better, and noticalby sweeter? Not by much, but there are sweeter notes that I did not notice before. I'd say this is good. I kinda smoked last night cause I was thirsting for it so I'm not sure if that made an effect on my seed or not but it was the only thing I smoked since my last post so I think it's fine to overlook that. I've had enough semen drinking, I'll maintain this as much as I can. I bought a ton of peaches today!